I suspect Mother’s Day will never be the same for folks in our community. Two well-loved teenage boys met the end of their lives in a car wreck the night before, on their prom night. Their dates, one of whom was driving the car, survived, and will somehow have to learn to live with the memory of that awful night. I know (firsthand) that there is no loss like that of a grieving parent, so my heart aches for the parents of these young men, but what has been haunting me since receiving the news is thinking about what the girl who was driving must be going through… I didn’t know her, nor did I know the well-loved young men, but I don’t need to know her to know that she must be living in hell right now.
How can we help? What steps can we take to try to restore her to a place of wholeness? Is there any doubt that she’s feeling an overwhelming sense of blame? It reminds me of all the times I had nightmares where I was responsible for someone’s death, but then I got to wake up… Nothing can compare to that feeling of utter devastation & horror that goes along with self-blame. I can only pray that her community gathers around her & holds her & lets her cry & scream & be there for her as much & for as long as she needs them to. I hope they continue to encourage her to go through the stages of grief, including anger, which can be so hard for people (especially women). I hope that somehow she will eventually find peace in her heart, with the understanding that those wonderful young men wouldn’t want her to blame herself, & would hope that she could learn to forgive herself completely.
Through all of this is a sense of helplessness I feel to help people who are hurting, even though I know that there’s nothing I can really DO to stop the hurt for them. I can show up, bring a dish of food; be present, but only time will heal acute pain. I know the scars will always be there for them, and I pray that the community will continue to gather to rub balm into those scars, to make them more bearable. Many of us will want to hide, because it is so hard to face, but I hope beyond hope that we can put our fears to the side & stand by these broken hearts, so at least the tunnel of utter darkness they are living in has many little lights peering through to help remind them that they will not live in that tunnel forever. It will take a long time to get to any place of “normalcy” again for all of these folks, and I hope that we can be in it for the long haul, as I know people often times lose endurance for the grief of others over time.
As always, when Death comes, I am reminded once again, that every moment is precious, every relationship sacred, every breath I take may be my last, & I vow, once again, to live every minute like it was my last & treat every person I meet as if I may never see them again.
I am always here for anyone who wants to vent, scream, cry, or just talk about Death & the grieving process…You are not alone.
Filed under: Death, grief, loss, Uncategorized Tagged: | car crash, Carpe Diem, prom night, self-blame when someone dies, teen death, Viroqua Wisconsin
I have been traveling today by plane. A baby boy a couple rows started to cry at take-off. Babies crying in planes is to be expected, so it didn’t bother me. But then I thought about people who are annoyed by it, and then I got angry at these imaginary people in my head who don’t like babies crying and I started cryin myself, “Let the baby cry.” my heart called out. Let him cry and laugh and grow to be an old man.”
It’s surprising where grief can find you.
Beautifully put, Charlene.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Dr. Tony Macasaet, Allegra Wakest/China. Allegra Wakest/China said: Viroqua Grieves for Her Children on Mother's Day: http://wp.me/pG5P2-49 [...]